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Friday 15 January 2016

6 Reasons I know I'm triathlon training again ...

Well ... I’m back into the first week of tri training. And how do I know? 

A handy check sheet:

  • Unable to descend stairs like a normal person. I have adopted a special stiff legged walk and appear to be unable to do this without making strange noises.
  • New superpower: The ability to sleep at any time and anywhere ... sofa, desk, table, floor .... just give me a flattish surface. And a cape.
  • My trainers are starting to smell like something has died in them due to being drenched with rain, covered in mud and dried out under the radiator. “Has a burglar fallen down the chimney and decomposed? No – that’s just the smell of Mummy’s trainers ...”
  • Padded pants are back in my wardrobe. Stupid turbo trainer ...
  • I am going through all my Christmas smellies at top speed but am STILL unable to remove the smell of chlorine from my skin ...
  • And not least ... Snow is forecast.
They smell a LOT better in the picture ...

I’m starting training from a strange place. I had 2 months off after last season. I was exhausted and couldn’t imagine training again ... and then I ran a 100 mile race. So I had a nice sit down for 2 months.  

And now here I am. With not a lot of fitness but with a strange shuffling ultrarunners gait, a swim style best described as ‘shark attack’ and a bike that is determined to destroy me from the arse upwards. 

Welcome to 2016.

Sunday 3 January 2016

Ways I Nearly Died in 2015

Nope. Definitely NOT being dramatic. May be slightly dramatic. Bit dramatic.

I had a busy 2015. Lots of adventures. I'm surprised I survived. Probably only down to my iron stomach and feet comprised entirely of hard skin and toenail gaps.

Nearly died trying to assemble a turbo trainer. Lucky to make it through with both eyeballs. Cried lots. Lost fingernails.  

Met the 4 Horsemen of the Running Apocalypse: Itching, Chafing, Blisters & Poo.
Got the flu and nearly died (DIDN'T nearly die) and spent time on sick bed hatching evil plans to thwart everyone else from training: 

Went out on 1st EVER group bike ride. Had to get pushed up a hill. Nearly got killed by little old lady. Made it back alive with new terror of bikes and 80 year old pensioners. 
Had to drink nearly 2 litres of beer while dressed as a police officer and doing 400 metre reps of a public park.

Had to do a wattbike test and while didn't die, just felt as though I had.
Nearly killed by gale force winds blowing me of my bike at Bicester triathlon but at least the wind blow-dried all the urine from the pool swim.

The day the world fell out of my bottom: DNF at my 1st 100 mile race TP100 

Committed an act for which murder would have been pardoned: while supporting a solo runner at a 24 hour race I ate all their food. 

Took a 5 year old to a24hr race. Death by lack of sleep, loss of underwear and stress. 
Could have been a fractured skull? Went to a FAST triathlon, got my arse handed to me by the rest of the field and got kicked in the face by a friend. 

Nearly eaten by a lake monster that quacked at Lake 32. 
Potential cider poisoning: Found a naked farmer and ALL the hills at Giants Head Marathon.   

Potential death-by-anti-bicyle-cruelty-brigade: Left Daisy in the car ALL day and punched in face in swim in Bala Triathlon by a cage-fighter masquerading a lady swimmer. Nearly drank ALL the lake water. However got a PB so goes to show that all these healthy people who go on about drinking 15 glasses of water a day might be right.
Caught up in what felt like a WWE Smackdown: Completed a 70.3 triathlon which was like being in a wrestling ring but with REAL punching: 

Autumn 100. Alex made me run up hills which almost made my legs fall off. Still not forgiven him. Definitely doing it again. 
Death by office: Wrote a support sheet in an attempt to save my skin.

Nearly died in household accident due to nearly knocking down own house in my DIY attempts ...

Meat sweats and stilton poisoning. (Overindulgence rather than food poisoning). Did 12 Miles of Xmas which is 5 pubs and 12 miles.

What a year. Think I'll stay in for 2016 ...