I’m ill. Am rubbish at being ill and hugely envious of all those well enough to be doing their training. And there are LOADS of you. Marathon training, triathlon training … everyone seems to be all healthy and doing great training. You evil, unsympathetic GITS.
So as a way to make myself feel better, while actually being a bit sick (cough, cough) I devised some ways to enjoy myself. Which don’t involve much exertion and which make me feel better about you lot training and being all healthy.
EVIL PLAN 1
Hide in a bush and when a runner comes past bark REALLY loudly and with extra growly bits. Extra points for getting the runner to do ‘poo face’ and getting them to sprint to the end of the road extremely fast out of fear. Then shout “Surprise Speed Session!” They’ll be really happy* about their impromptu speed interval.
EVIL PLAN 2
Hide in different bush and bang two massive cymbals together when a cyclist comes past. MORE points if you can get them to fall off / cycle into wall / do ‘poo face’. Then say in a patronising voice, “Cycling is SO dangerous.” Then tut.
EVIL PLAN 3
Do lots of pretend coughing next to runners tapering for races. Try to do ‘hacking up a lung’ noises. Tapering runners LOVE this.
EVIL PLAN 4
Draw lots of contagious-looking spots on face and turn up to parkrun to ‘support’. Try and hug the winners.
EVIL PLAN 5
Dress up as police officer and make a speed camera out of cardboard and stand on cycling time trial route. Don’t forget to make some 5MPH signs too. Shout “You’re nicked …” when they come past.
|What would you think if you saw one of THESE in the swimming pool? Source|
EVIL PLAN 6
Drop some melty-looking unwrapped Mars bars into the swimming pool … and wait for the screaming to start. Then blame old person / spotty youth / small child and tut at their incontinence. For extra kudos for hook the mars bars out and eat them. Warning: spectators WILL vomit.
EVIL PLAN 7
Go to track session and throw trainers at the athletes and shout “Ha ha ha ha ha! Attacked by the very things that you love!!” Note: May need fast getaway car as can’t run away very fast when ill. Note 2: Use OLD trainers as runners may keep trainers. Runners hoard them you know.
Ok. I’m off now. Got to practise my coughing and buy some Mars bars …