1.
Their trainers smell. In fact they smell revolting. It's like
roadkill has mated with some Dorset Blue Vinnie and the mutated
offspring has sprouted laces and rubber soles.
Solution:
Ban them from the house. Ban the trainers too. They'll HAVE to give
up running when you won't let them in the house to get at their
Garmin charger.
2.
They will keep trying to make you run too. And they’ll have had
more practise so they’ll probably be quicker.
Solution:
Get used to losing. Or hide all their left trainers. You might be
able to beat them if they have to hop everywhere.
3.
They’ll expect you to inspect their mangled toes, missing toenails
and blisters.
Solution:
Say you've developed an allergy to toenails and manky feet. Every
time they threaten to take a sock off make gagging noises and throw
up on the sofa.
4.
You’ll find yourself booking your holidays around their races. And
their races will take priority.
Solution:
Relax. You’ll be able to go exotic places and enjoy them. You'll be
at the pool and spending your time in the bar while they're rushing
around getting all hot and sweaty. Well done. You've just won at
'holidays'.
5.
You'll worry yourself frantic when they go missing and then when
you're about to phone all the hospitals and check the cemetery plot
is still free, they’ll bound through the door saying “I just
extended my long run a bit. That’s ok right?”
Solution:
Insist on putting them on a retractable dog lead before they go or a
run. If they've been longer than they said they would press the
'retract' button. They may complain but their Garmin stats will look
amazing and if they don't get a PB from being dragged home on one of
these, they never will.
6.
You’re always late for things as they tried to squeeze a run in
first.
Solution:
Tell them you’re going out an hour before you actually are. Then
they’ll be ready almost on time. Alternatively lock all the doors
and tell them they have to run laps around the living room instead,
then when it's time to start getting ready you can tempt them into
the shower using a trail of energy gels and jelly babies.
7.
Marathon training takes hours and hours. Be used to being on your
own.
Solution:
Find a new TV series to get into. Or a new partner. Preferably one
that doesn't like running.
8.
You're pulling your hair out as they want to tell you ALL about their
run. In detail. Including mile splits, weather, strange twinges in
their knee and whether carrying loo roll should be mandatory on long
runs.
Solution:
Encourage them to write a blog, then you can lie and say you read it.
Alternatively encourage them to tell you at bedtime and say you're
listening with your eyes closed.
9.
They think it's normal to wear bin bags, carry loo roll everywhere
and to have feet which would have the average leper beaming with
pride.
Solution:
Keep showing them pictures of Mo Farah. Keep saying “I bet HIS
toenails don't shed twice a month” and “I don't see Mo running
with a roll of loo roll in his running belt.” They'll appreciate
your helpful comments and your sudden interest in running. And will
definitely not try to smack you over the head with a trainer.
10.
The washing basket is never empty. The hall smells permanently of old
trainers. There are medals hanging on door handles. The food cupboard
holds at least 4 types of different kinds of gels. Every time you
open a cupboard a race pack falls out. There is an entire screen on
their phone taken up with running app icons.
Solution:
Start running. You're not likely to cure them and who knows, you
might start enjoying the smell of well-worn trainers ...
