They look all bronzed and sexy. They’re not. Their tan is ‘kit shaped’. Their bodies are covered in strange chafes and their arse will probably look like ground zero from all the miles on a cheese grater masquerading as a bike saddle. They’ll also shed toenails and claim this is ‘normal’. You will find these on the living room floor and will find yourself kicking these under the sofa when visitors arrive so they don’t think you’re corpse smuggling.
Reason 2: Bike-erday and Runday
Weekends are no longer called Saturday and Sunday. They are ‘Long Bike Day’ and ‘Long Run Day’. Prepare to be on your own and try to be out when they arrive home. They will stink, be covered in mud, frozen snot or flies depending on the weather and will insist on telling you all the tiny details. And then instead of getting straight in the shower they will insist on getting everything uploaded onto Strava and whining when they didn’t get any course records.
Reason 3: The Bike Rules
Do not ask how much the bike costs. Or how much difference it makes to their race times. They’ll lie to you about how much their bike costs. And you won’t be allowed to touch it. NEVER TOUCH THE BIKE. Not even with your eyeballs.
|THIS bike? £49.99 from the Twitter shop. The wheels? Same place.|
Reason 4: Know Your Shit. Or Know You're Shit.
They’ll expect you to know what distances relate to each different triathlon such as Half Ironman, Olympic and sprint. Do not even bother to learn these. Just practise your set lines. A good one is “The races distances vary by course. Focus on course PBs.” They’ll like this. And say “But your age group rank is excellent” This will cheer them up. Unless they were last. In which case just say “I expect they published the results back to front.” Then hide.
Reason 5: You Have to Admire Their Sperm Helmet
They’ll expect you to admire all their new kit. And not to ask how much it cost. Never say “Well it’s training that matters, not kit.” And you will NEVER be able to say “Well Chrissie Wellington won that race in a normal helmet. She didn’t look like a giant sperm, did she?” They’ll get all huffy.
|My kit ALWAYS matches ...|
Reason 6: All the cheese is mine. Even YOUR cheese.
They’ll eat all THEIR food. And then all YOUR food. Never leave them alone with your meal or by a buffet table. Be aware that you’ll never get invited BACK to another Christening, wedding or children’s birthday party because of their food hoovering mouth. And according to them cheese can never belong to other people.
Reason 7: Obey Thy GPS. Strava Or It Didst Not Happeneth
The GPS watch losing data is The End of Days. If this happens just write off the day. Better still go out and just send cake home by courier. Hopefully by the time you arrive home they will have eaten themselves into a sugar coma and be unable to speak.
|Eaten too much? No I ALWAYS sit like this|
Reason 8: Padlock the Fridge. And the Medicine Cabinet.
They’ll swing between pre-race ‘My Body is a Temple’ and only eating gluten-free, vegan and green smoothies to during-and-post-race Human Dustbin Mode. Nothing is safe. Hide scented candles, flavoured lip gloss and speciality cheese and beers otherwise they’ll be pooping like Rainbow Bright for a week.