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Sunday, 2 March 2014

10 Reasons Not To Date a Runner



1. Their trainers smell. In fact they smell revolting. It's like roadkill has mated with some Dorset Blue Vinnie and the mutated offspring has sprouted laces and rubber soles.
Solution: Ban them from the house. Ban the trainers too. They'll HAVE to give up running when you won't let them in the house to get at their Garmin charger.

2. They will keep trying to make you run too. And they’ll have had more practise so they’ll probably be quicker.
Solution: Get used to losing. Or hide all their left trainers. You might be able to beat them if they have to hop everywhere.

3. They’ll expect you to inspect their mangled toes, missing toenails and blisters.
Solution: Say you've developed an allergy to toenails and manky feet. Every time they threaten to take a sock off make gagging noises and throw up on the sofa.

4. You’ll find yourself booking your holidays around their races. And their races will take priority.
Solution: Relax. You’ll be able to go exotic places and enjoy them. You'll be at the pool and spending your time in the bar while they're rushing around getting all hot and sweaty. Well done. You've just won at 'holidays'.

5. You'll worry yourself frantic when they go missing and then when you're about to phone all the hospitals and check the cemetery plot is still free, they’ll bound through the door saying “I just extended my long run a bit. That’s ok right?”
Solution: Insist on putting them on a retractable dog lead before they go or a run. If they've been longer than they said they would press the 'retract' button. They may complain but their Garmin stats will look amazing and if they don't get a PB from being dragged home on one of these, they never will.

6. You’re always late for things as they tried to squeeze a run in first.
Solution: Tell them you’re going out an hour before you actually are. Then they’ll be ready almost on time. Alternatively lock all the doors and tell them they have to run laps around the living room instead, then when it's time to start getting ready you can tempt them into the shower using a trail of energy gels and jelly babies.

7. Marathon training takes hours and hours. Be used to being on your own.
Solution: Find a new TV series to get into. Or a new partner. Preferably one that doesn't like running.

8. You're pulling your hair out as they want to tell you ALL about their run. In detail. Including mile splits, weather, strange twinges in their knee and whether carrying loo roll should be mandatory on long runs.
Solution: Encourage them to write a blog, then you can lie and say you read it. Alternatively encourage them to tell you at bedtime and say you're listening with your eyes closed.

9. They think it's normal to wear bin bags, carry loo roll everywhere and to have feet which would have the average leper beaming with pride.
Solution: Keep showing them pictures of Mo Farah. Keep saying “I bet HIS toenails don't shed twice a month” and “I don't see Mo running with a roll of loo roll in his running belt.” They'll appreciate your helpful comments and your sudden interest in running. And will definitely not try to smack you over the head with a trainer.

10. The washing basket is never empty. The hall smells permanently of old trainers. There are medals hanging on door handles. The food cupboard holds at least 4 types of different kinds of gels. Every time you open a cupboard a race pack falls out. There is an entire screen on their phone taken up with running app icons.

Solution: Start running. You're not likely to cure them and who knows, you might start enjoying the smell of well-worn trainers ...


20 comments:

  1. lol just the thing to read on the train heading to a race

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it!! Hope the race was a good one … and there was less mud and flooding than the last one!!:)

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  2. Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment Crystal!! :) Glad you liked it!

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  3. This is absolutely hilarious Sarah, totally spot on too!

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    1. Every time I suggest a weekend away to the Mister now, he asks me which race is on. Think he's twigged … :)

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  4. I'm not even a marathon runner and my poor beloved can relate to this!...must move race pack before he complains and trainers before he trips up..

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    1. Ha ha!! Brilliant!! Yes - I am sure trainers breed in the hall. There seem to be far more pairs than I started with ...

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  5. Haha just made my lunchtime :)

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    1. Good!! :) Hope you're eating something yummy!!

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  6. Replies
    1. Thanks Tess! I am SO guilty of the 'extending the long run' one. It's either a lovely day or my tummy is unhappy and I've stopped in the pub!! Drives the Mister mad!!

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  7. Replies
    1. Hee hee!! What can I say … written from the heart! And the trainers!! :)

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  8. Oh Sarah, you've read about my dating woes. Its getting to the point where I should be put forward to the undateables programme on C4! Bloody hilarious read though :)

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it!! :) You *have* met some unusual people on those dating sites … it's not YOU that should be on undateables!! You need to find a lovely lady runner!!

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  9. What a great post, love it! Good luck in the awards!

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    1. Thanks Mirka! Glad you liked it! I think my partner can definitely sympathise with this post!! :)

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  10. Very funny but so true. Haven't dated a runner yet but being one myself, i better start watching myself... :)

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    1. Good point Fiona! Better keep an eye on any many toenails and whether you think it's normal to wear bin bags at the start of races ... (It TOTALLY is!!)

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