GOOD: You get to eat all the sugary gels and pick n mix you can manage. BAD: However this is only DURING the race and by then all you want to do is throw them back up again. Preferably at the FRB who is already finishing the run by the time you start it. No one likes a smug. Especially one covered in regurgitated sugar.
|CLLLLLL the sugar ...|
GOOD: You will get an AMAZING sun tan with all those training hours outside in the summer. You will be a bronzed Goddess.BAD: However it is in the shape of your trisuit. You look a TIT at the swimming pool.
GOOD: You will have a gorgeous bike which will be the envy of all your non-triathlete friends.BAD: You will spend hours cleaning the bloody thing, you will have to lie to your significant other about how much it cost and your kids will want to touch it. ALL THE TIME. And you’ll still want better wheels for it. WHICH COST ALMOST THE SAME AS THE BIKE.And the saddle is basically a cheese grater for arses.
|Pretty bike, right? IT IS EATING ME FROM THE ARSE UPWARDS.|
GOOD: You get to wear a wetsuit which sucks all the fat in and makes you look all lithe and toned and almost like a proper swimmer.BAD: You have to get INTO the wetsuit which involves contortions, pulled muscles and getting really bloody hot. And you still aren’t sure whether to loop the zip pull up or not.You knew you should have listened more at that yoga class you went to once.
GOOD: When your running friends talk about their hard runs, you can be all smug and say “Ha ha! I’ve usually done a swim AND a bike ride by that point.”BAD: No one likes a smug. And then your friends mention that they heard you WALKED a bit in your last triathlon run. And cried.And your race photos prove it.
|More ice cream please, I can still do my trisuit zip up.|
GOOD: You get to have 3rd and 4th helpings at dinner because of your heavy training weeks. And no-one judges.BAD: They’re totally judging.And noticing that your previously well fitting trisuit is now skin tight and that you have to grease yourself to get into it. Maybe just 2nd helpings.
GOOD: You’ll get some amazing photos of you on the bike. Also because you were on the bike you were wearing sunglasses and you look totally hardcore. And NOT old.BAD: The good photos were only because you were going SO slowly up the hill the photographer was able to take about 15 shots and you could choose the one that didn’t make you look like you were crying or insane.
|A race photo from last year. I look GENUINELY insane.|
GOOD: You’ll get to swim in beautiful lakes. Your gorgeous photos of sunset lakes will be the envy of instagram.BAD: The lakes are full of massive fish, triathlete pee and weed.The fish don’t get out to poo or die.You have to put your face in it.
GOOD: You are a triathlete. You know what T1 is, why people use clips on bikes (despite falling off at the Mr Kipling roundabout once) and why getting kicked in the face is normal. You aren’t just mediocre at ONE thing. You are mediocre at THREE things. Go you.BAD: You just want a nice sit down.
GOOD: You’ve checked your training plan and you have a rest day scheduled for three weeks time. AWESOME: You’ll probably go for a swim, bike or a run on that day anyway. Just to keep your hand in.