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Saturday 17 November 2012

Running at the Gym and Being Followed by Farts ...

I’ve managed to land a gym membership this month and it’s a bit of a treat. I tend to do all of my running outdoors, mainly on trails or pavements so I’m quite looking forward to being able to run in the warm and dry.

Trails are fine in the summer ...

I must remember NOT to do what I did last time though, and bend down on the treadmill to tie my shoelace before stopping the machine. I flew backwards nearly giving the chap on the machine behind me a bum surprise.
I’m really looking forward to it! I’ll be warm, it’ll be air-conditioned, there will be a cafe I can stop at for a coffee afterwards and a jacuzzi I can laze around and relax in. Plus if I need a loo stop, there will be toilets nearby. No more having to carry toilet roll on long runs. Or looking out for a clump of shrubs with suitable ‘bushy’ branches!

But ... one of my pet hates at races is that I always end up standing next to a stinky person. They’ve blatantly just climbed out of bed and dragged their running gear on and come to the race. In that situation, it’s a benefit as it means I start the race extra fast to run away from them. But what if they’re running next to me on the treadmill?

Or worse ... what if I fart? I won’t be able to run away from it - no matter how fast I set the treadmill. And people will KNOW that it’s me. And they’ll look. And gag.

At the gym, I do love that it won’t matter whether it is dark outside. No matter what, I will not have hi-viz gear flapping around my arms and I won’t leave the gym with the round circle on my forehead that means I’ve had to wear my headtorch at some point in the previous 3 hours. On one of my night races I even had a blister on my nose where the headtorch kept slipping down and was bouncing off of the top of my nose. It wasn’t a good look. Blisters are bad enough on your feet but I looked a right tit with one on my face. Looked like an advertisement for Lepers R Us.

But … the gym will have opening hours. It drives me mad when I’ve been busy all day then have to rush to get to the gym because they close stupidly early at weekends. There was an advertising campaign for one of the big sports companies where they said the “Roads always open.” It’s true (except on the M1 …when I’m running late. Was stuck on there for 6 hours once. Bloody M1) And they’re free. (Except the M6 toll … although I don’t think they charge runners.) I just have to get kitted up and I’m good to go. No payments required, I don’t have to get on the road - or off it - at a certain time and I don’t have to try and get one of those stupid card passes to work to use it.

Also, I don’t care what anyone says. If someone gets on the treadmill next to me, it’s a race. And they know it. I either have to be going faster than them or stay on for longer than them. One day an ultra runner will climb onto the treadmill next to me and that’ll be it. They’ll be carving “She started throwing up and wet herself but she still wouldn’t stop” on my gravestone.

You know what? I’m going to enjoy this month at the gym. I’ll be warm. I’ll have dry feet (bliss!) and I won’t need to fear blisters developing on my face. But I’ll be looking forward to going back to running outside. There will be dogs (including that slavering Alsation a couple of weeks ago), there will be rain and cold and mud. But … there will also be pubs, interesting things to look and trees … and best of all I’ll be able to run away from farts.


  1. Never realised you ran wind assisted lol :)

    1. Yep! I'm sponsored by British Gas - didn't you know?;)