A swan tried to EAT me ... AND my bike.

You know in those dreams where something horrible is coming towards you and you're stuck? You can't run away?

Now imagine that this is happening and it's NOT a dream and there is an enormous wing-beating beady-eyed swan running towards you, intent on eating you. Now imagine you can't run away because you still have one foot clipped into your bike, it won't unclip and the path is too narrow to turn your bike around and make a getaway. 

I thought "Shit. This is it. This is how I die. Being eaten by the insides of an eiderdown". 

Picture source

I tried to run backwards, dragging the bike with me, still attached by one foot to the pedal, while the nightmare bird ran at me waving its massive wings with its mouth open (their mouths look a LOT bigger when they're coming at you at 30mph). And then just as I was about to disappear down its red gullet, it took flight over my head, nearly knocking me backwards.

I read about people making a lot of fuss about people eating swans not realising they were protected birds in England, but anyone who can capture one without being eaten alive or beaten to death by this terrifying bird surely deserves a dinner of roast swan? I won’t be volunteering for the job of swan catcher that’s for sure. 

Although it looks as though I’d probably work quite well as bait.