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Sunday 3 September 2023

Things scarier than Ironman: Swans, Parkrun PBs & Getting Weighed

So I might have entered an Ironman. Another one. 

I would tell my husband I did it accidentally but as there are about 20 steps to entering an Ironman online I don’t think he’ll believe me. It’s about as likely as accidentally getting a cat that hates bald men so your husband has to wear a hat indoors for 6 months to stop the stealth attacks … but that’s a story for another time …

However, my daughter totally believed me without a shred of suspicion when I told her we were going on holiday to Sweden. And she was quite surprised to learn that there was a race in the middle. 

My husband - who actually knows me - was not. It doesn’t mean he’s going to pass up the free holiday though. 

Ironman is a BIG adventure. This will be my 3rd but it doesn’t mean it’s less scary for that. After my sea swims or as I like to call them, the flail around in a briny liquidiser, the thought of another sea swim isn’t filling me with confidence. 

Therefore to make me feel better, I have compiled a list of things that are more scary than an Ironman:

  • Swans - feathery beaky bastards. I’m fairly sure that is how I am going to die; being eaten by a swan. In fact I think it will likely be the specific mean swan that lives on the canal outside Leamington Spa. That swan REALLY hates me.
  • When your boss says ‘can I have a quick word’. This NEVER ends well. 
  • When your car starts making a weird new noise. An expensive sounding noise. 
  • Those ghost videos on TikTok where you’re looking at something in the distance and some horrible apparition pops up at the front of the screen. Like my reflection in the phone screen first thing in the morning. 
  • A brown enveloped letter from the tax man. It’s never a tax rebate is it?
  • Parkrun PB attempt - horrific. Max heart rate … feeling sick. Horrible. There will be tears, bogies and feeling like my eyeballs are going to drop out. 
  • Getting on the scales. Yuck. 
  • MOT day for the car. It’s going to cost me but how much ..? Race entry cost or mortgage payment cost? Or WORSE … Ironman entry cost.
  • Pets being ill. Is it cancer? Some horrible feline HIV? Oh no. Mr Pickles is just sulking because I moved the litter tray 1 inch to the left. So that’s an £80 vet bill. Thanks Mr Pickles. 
  • A 3.8km sea swim, a 112 mile bike ride and a marathon. On the same day. Terrifying. A gigantic medal, free cola and pick n mix on the course? Absolutely. Sign me up. I mean it’s not like I’ll break some ribs or get horrific chafing is it? Oh. 

Bugger. See you in Sweden.

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