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Tuesday 28 December 2021

8 Reasons Why Cats Would Be Good Triathletes

Being a servant to a couple of cats and watching how they conduct themselves, I have come to the conclusion that they would be extremely good at triathlon. Should they be bothered of course. 

My reasoning:

Cats are serious about sleep.
What do my fluffy overlords do when they've got their work* done? Have a snooze. Cats are serious about getting some downtime and can be found in a comfortable place tucked up and dreaming the good dreams at least 75% of their day. After all when you're working hard, sleep is your recovery time and your time for the niggles to mend and to relax those muscles. If you're training hard, put off those less serious chores until another day and get some rest.
(*By work I clearly mean pooping, eating, scratching whichever piece of furniture is my favourite and getting fluff all over whatever I'm wearing to work that day)

Cats get their speedwork done.
Usually at 3am. When I'm trying to sleep, the cats decided it is time to get their sprints done. This also involves cross training which is coach-speak for jumping on my face, stomach or any body part which isn't tucked under the duvet and using it for jumping, scratching or other enthusiastic activities which are done at 90mph. Additional yowling, screeching and weird noises are also apparently important parts of cross training. 

Cats don’t rely on sugary food and get lots of protein.
When was the last time you saw a cat justify a massive slice of cake after a bike ride? Or a cat wearing lycra over his massive belly? Never. Instead they tuck into meat and their favourite food is tuna. If they could operate a can opener they would take over the world. 

Cats don’t stress over their bike splits.
When was the last time you heard a cat bitching about headwind on the bike or the elevation profile of a course? Never. Exactly. Stop overanalysing the data and just get on with it. 

Cats are serious about cleanliness.
If you know anything about cats, you'll know they take their cleanliness very seriously. Have a spare 5 mins? Have a wash. Have you ever seen a cat with a saddle sores? Or blisters? Keeping you and your equipment clean can make a big difference. Getting straight into the shower after a sweaty indoor bike session can reduce the risk of any sore places getting infected and keeping you bike clean can mean that you can spot any damage early on and fix it before it becomes a big problem. Have a wash you smelly git. 

Cats aren’t very keen on swimming.
So they clearly have their triathlon priorities right. I mean swimming is important and all (if you don't survive the swim, you can't get the bike and run done, right?) but it's the shortest part of the triathlon so you have to consider whether knocking 10 minutes off the swim is better than focusing on the bike and taking 30 minutes off that instead. Besides, there are certainly better snacks on the bike.

Cats give zero shits about Strava.
Cats don't spend their time agonising over whether Fluffy from their tri club was being sarcastic when they commented “great session” on their activity. And they don't give their activities titles like “Easy super slow run” when their tempo runs go wrong to justify why they were going slower than a runner after Christmas. Be more like cats. Just crack on, do your own thing and stop comparing yourself to Tiger down the road.

Cats have absolute self belief.
Cats are aware that they are a cat and not only that, that they are the best example of a cat there could be. There is absolutely no doubt in their tiny fluffy heads that they are anything other than they should be. And why should you suggest anything so ridiculous? Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself like a cat believes in itself. 

And these are my solid reasons why I believe a cat would be good at triathlon. Although I haven't seen one ride a bike ...

1 comment:

  1. Yet again another brilliant and funny insight into training and triathlon!!