Runners Trots, Lurching like a Zombie and Power Ranger Stripteases

Had a nice big tea yesterday and went out for a night run. It was nice ... at first. At about the 1 mile point, there was a bit of tummy rumbling going on, but I ignored it. Rookie mistake #1...

At around mile 2, there was a certain amount of – ahem – gas leakage which I blamed on the beetroot and which I naively assumed had solved the problem. Rookie mistake #2 ...

At Mile 3, I was running in a slightly strange way and looking around desperately in the hope of a seeing a thick clump of bushes, a field of long grass (with some convenient big leaves) or - best of all - a portaloo materialising like the Tardis.

I was stuck in a familiar Catch 22. I found that the faster I ran, the more upset my tummy got but if I moved at walking pace I not make it home in time ...

Finally developed a kind of zombie lurch which carried me home. I even perfected an – involuntary – moaning as I made me way home at a speed which was fast enough to get me there, while slow enough to avoid potential lycra-soilage.

I ran into the house shedding clothes as I ran in my hurry to get to the loo. With the amount of multicoloured lycra on the floors, the house looked as though a Power Ranger had been doing a striptease with a finale in the bathroom.

I’m pleased to say, the only trail through the house was one of lycra.

I carry an emergency tenner whenever I run. This used to be in case I fancied stopping at a pub en route for a drink or if I spotted an ice cream van but recently it has been in case I need to buy a drink in a pub so I can legitimately use their loo. And, if necessary to bribe a neighbour to stop them from calling the police if they catch me defecating behind the shrubs in their garden if I’m caught short.

I got home OK this time, but I went through a phase of it being really bad a little while ago. I had a 4 mile loop with a pub at the halfway point as I knew at mile 2 I’d hit critical point. I used to keep running straight through the pub doors and into the loo. I imagine the barmaid just used to see a flash of fluorescent yellow and see the loo doors swinging.

It’s a lot better nowadays and I make it home pretty much every time but I keep emergency loo roll on me at all times and just in case… I always wear nice soft socks.