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Showing posts with label Poo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Poo. Show all posts

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Runner's Shame. I'm SO sorry ...

Unluckily I got the dreaded tummy rumble and developed the thousand-yard-stare and stagger of the desperate-for-the-loo-runner while halfway through a speed session.
Luckily there were only two of us running the speed session …

Unluckily there were no toilets around.
Luckily we were running alongside a dark park …

Unluckily I just couldn’t wait.
Luckily it was night time …

Luckily no-one came past.
Unluckily no-one came past to offer me the use of their nice indoors toilet …

Luckily there was a drainage ditch and some heaped leaves.
Unluckily I had to climb into a drainage ditch …

Luckily the leaves were soft.
Unluckily I got sticks and leaves in my running tights and I had to complete a speed session with a leafy undercarriage …

Luckily my running buddy promised to keep the secret and not tell anyone else about the Al Fresco poo.
Unluckily despite my running buddy’s trustworthiness I have a tendency to over-share and it’s now on the blog …


p.s. DON’T let your kids jump in the crunchy leaves in Coventry.

Thursday, 26 February 2015

4 Horsemen of Running Apocalypse: Itching, Chafing, Blisters & Poo

It is fairly widely known that there are 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Yes, everyone knows that, right? War, Famine, Pestilence and Death. 

4 Horsemen. Source
But did you know there are 4 Horsemen of Running?
  • Itching
  • Chafing
  • Blisters
  • Poo

These are all unpleasant in their own way and who hasn't been in a situation where your pants are riding up, your trousers are riding down and there’s a label itching away and pretending to be a strip of sandpaper? What is it about running that means that there is always something itching or being annoying? And usually in some place you can't really sort out in public?

And the law of running means that when this happens there will ALWAYS a crowd of people behind you. It could be the rest of your running club, a horde of runners in a race or simply a busy bus stop. When is it appropriate to simply stick your hand down your pants and sort it all out?

I imagine the Mr-Average-In-The-Street might not get away with sorting out their underwear in public but we’re runners. We can run away when the screaming starts, right?

But it’s not always as easy to sort out as a quick rummage. Chafing is sneaky. Quite often this goes unnoticed during the actual running but waits until you step into the shower before digging barbs into your unsuspecting, flayed flesh. As if sandpapering your nipples off wasn’t enough, Chafe appears in the most awkward places. Underarms? Thighs? Undercarriage? Sneaky, sneaky chafing.

And I’m sure every runner has suffered the irritating sore, itching pain that is a blister that out of nowhere on a previously unmarred foot, has popped up to ooze and irritate. And stick your sock to your foot with blister-pus.

And Poo. If Poo was a person he’d be a traffic warden. Poo waits until long runs in the country when the nearest toilet is 11 miles and 2 massive hills away. Or else the 2nd to last speed interval, where he asks you whether you’re a gambler. Go find a loo now and leave your run session unfinished. Or finish it and gamble with The Brown Shorts of Shame.

There's a distinctive lurching gait usually accompanied by a staring, thousand-yard stare when a runner is desperate to get home and is moving as fast as they can without soiling their lycra. It’s a terrible, terrible Catch 22 situation. The faster you move, the more you need to 'go' but if you go slow or walk, you won’t make it home in time. Speed Vs Time. Do you feel lucky today? And can you face your neighbours tomorrow if you misjudge it and have to return a wave with brown thighs and a stiff-legged walk.

If you’ve been running any length of time then you’ve probably encountered one or more of these Horsemen already. They're like headlice at primary school. Sooner or later they WILL happen to you.

They’re waiting for you and The Horsemen, like black toenails will appear out of nowhere. All you can do is arm yourself with the available weapons: a liberal application of Vaseline, a generous wad of loo roll & plasters and a practised high-speed zombie shuffle and the location of the nearest loo.

Monday, 1 July 2013

My Sub-20 5k Attempt (or Try Not to Crap Yourself)


After 4 weeks of intense speedwork I was super-prepared for my first proper attempt at a sub-20 parkrun.




I did a 1.5 mile warmup around the lake including the drills which always make me feel like I’m masquerading as a REAL runner: running backwards (not into the lake thankfully), high knees and kick backs. (I keep waiting for someone to come up to me and tell me off for doing these). I was physically prepared, I was mentally ready and I was raring to go. There was even a 20 minute pacer! Brilliant! Everything was looking perfect for my sub-20.


However, I’d forgotten 2 key things …


  1. Don’t rely on pacers - use your own judgement.
  1. I hadn’t been to Big Toilet that morning.
Draw your own conclusions on how this run will go … picture if you will the photo of that marathon runner who strives for the finish line with a look of disgust on his face and diarrhoea on his legs. Actually, it wasn’t anything like that but how’s that cup of coffee you’re drinking tasting NOW?


I set off behind the 20 minute pacer and quite early on realised he was doing about 6:05 – 6:10 min/miles rather than the 6:25 min/mile I’d need for a sub 20. Did I drop back and trust my own judgment? Or did I stay with him knowing that it would make the last mile more difficult? You guess. Stupid bloodymindedness …


I like the Swindon parkrun course. There’s a lot to be said for it. It’s only slightly undulating, it’s nice and wide so you can see the leaders at all times and the paths are gravelly and nice to run on. I knew that I had a few seconds per mile in the bank for when the last half a mile got tough and this week had been dry so not even the ankle-deep puddles to contend with. Perfect. Surely not even Ms. Fall-In-A-Ditch could mess this one up?


The pace was fine at the moment and I knew the final stretch was all downhill so this all was good. However something else was worrying me. I was getting a certain tummy rumbling that I’ve had before on runs. A CERTAIN distinctive tummy rumbling. The sort that usually has me frantically checking pockets for tissues.


Uh oh.


Not NOW? Decision time. Do I brave it out, knock in a sub-20 (or close as dammit) with the shame of leaving a brown trail and the certainty of never being welcome back at Swindon parkrun? Or do throw off my chances for a sub-20 after 4 weeks of hard speedwork and knowing that I’m off on a 2-week holiday where I’ll eat too much, do practically no running and maybe not have the chance of a sub-20 again for a very long time as I’ll be back in marathon training.


I swerve off to the loos at the next corner. There’s sub-20 and there’s shitting yourself in public. 


You’ll be pleased to know that I did still manage to embarrass myself in public though. As I swerved off, a friend shouted “Good luck! You’re doing great!” I bellowed back “Got to stop! Going for a POO!” What can I say. Modest AND ladylike. Sigh. 

Monday, 28 January 2013

Week 6, Day 7: 18 miles of Wees, Floods, Mud, Falls and Getting Lost


Goal: 18 miles at 9 min/mile
Actual: 18 miles at 8:46 min/mile

I’d been looking forward to this long run. I’d spent some time researching a good route and had decided on a part of Cycle Route 50 going from Walcote, heading towards Daventry and cutting onto the Grand Union Canal Path at about mile 16 … and conveniently finishing near a pub. Just by chance of course.

It had rained heavily the night before and washed away all traces of the snow but the morning was bright and cool. The path was slightly wet underfoot but the sun was shining and I was looking forward to the chance of a nice, rural long run on a new route through the lanes with no distractions.

I always pop to the loo before I head out for a long run so I wasn’t impressed when I needed a loo stop before I’d completed the first 2 miles. Typically, it was the usual English lane in Winter. Sparse hedges, flat fields and no convenient toilets. For miles.

I ran on for another mile or so but unfortunately no pubs, public loos or moments of epiphany occurred so I carried on until I found a bushy hedge. Sigh. I don’t care what anyone says about blisters, black toenails, or chafing. The need to carry loo roll on long runs is the REAL curse of the long distance runner.  

Frequent loo breaks was unfortunately a recurring theme on this run.

However, the countryside was gorgeous (if you were in front of me) and it was nice being out and about. The sun was shining and it was – apart from the frequent loo breaks – nice to be running in the lanes and paths.



I went through a few small pretty villages and past Stanford Hall. It looked stately and very beautiful set in a lovely estate … although I soon realised that the pool of water in front of it was actually flooding, rather than a picturesque lake, when I came around the next corner and found this.



I stopped and just considered what to do. The water appeared to be about 4 – 5 inches deep and unfortunately was lapping at the wall at the left side so I couldn’t even cheat and run along the bank. As I stood there deciding what to do, it started washing towards me and the water speed increased and it started getting deeper. A river must have just burst its banks … Right. No time to stop and think about it. There were 2 choices. Forwards or back.

Forwards. The water was deeper than I’d expected and while it only made it up to my knees, the running caused extra splashing which meant I was damp to the buff. In theory I could have waded through it I suppose, but if I was going to be up to my knees in dirty river water, I may as well enjoy the experience.
Well, at least if it was REALLY rainy in Paris I’d be prepared …

2 bemused cyclists had stopped to watch my progress and I think I disappointed them slightly as I’d made it through without any further mishap. The damper of the 2 cyclists admitted that he’d just hit a pothole further back and had been catapulted into the flood water and I think they were hoping for something amusing and running-related from me that they could watch safely from a patch of dry land. 

They offered to take a photo of me in the slightly shallower section. As I was already about as wet as it was possible to get without being fully submerged, I thought why not:



The rest of the village was pretty much underwater too, although in the hope of drying out a bit, I managed to clamber onto the banks to avoid a lot of the water.

The bank hopping meant the speed suffered a bit, but I wasn’t really too concerned about the timing at this point as I’d already had to stop the Garmin for the loo stops so the time wouldn’t be a true reflection of a continuous run anyway. Saw a couple of different cyclists coming the opposite direction and one of them called to me: “It’s really deep in the next part! The water was up over my bike chain!” Poor lamb. I hope he didn’t get his toes wet …



The majority of the next village was flooded too and as I passed the local church, it was a stone island in a lake of water, with the tops of gravestones sticking above the water like teeth. I hope the local gravedigger isn’t relying on his wage …



I carried on out of the village and onto a more rural section, rarely passing any houses or farms. It was very peaceful and isolated. There was a lot of water running along the sides of the roads and you could see the road shining and bright in the distance, snaking up the side of the hill.

 

Running up the hill - which had looked a lot worse from a distance than it actually was - I spotted a horseshoe in the newly ploughed earth of the field on my right. I took it to mean that the rest of the run would be good. I could use some luck after the tummy issues and the floods.

I reached the top of the hill and the road narrowed until it was almost just a track with fields stretching out on the right. The sunshine meant that I could see for miles and I could see the water shining in the fields. The road carried on down the other side of the hill and opened out for a nice long downhill lined by trees. The road turned around a corner into a dip … which was completely flooded. 



However, there was a bank on the right of the road and it was a good 6 inches to a foot above the water. It was squishy and slippery but I could climb up it and use it to get past the water. All I needed to do was run along it and jump the drainage ditches. Simple, right?

This plan worked surprisingly well until I got to the last ditch, which was a good 2 metres away. There are a lot of good points to being an eternal optimist. However, thinking I can jump 2 metres from a standing start isn’t one of them. I missed the bank by at least 4 inches with my leading leg and splashed straight into the water which was surprisingly deep.

My face must have had a comical expression of surprise as my momentum kept me going and I smacked into the ditch on the other side landing on my shoulder. Ouch.
Great. I now had an upset tummy, a sore shoulder and hip and I was covered in mud. Plus my shoes which had dried out over the last 6 miles were now squelching again.

Picked myself up and set off again. At least it wasn’t raining.

Followed the lane for another few miles and the route was quite scenic. I passed over a few bridges and over the canal twice and the bright sunshine on the fields made everything very pretty. I could almost forget I was covered in mud with wet feet and had run out of loo roll.



I finally got to the end of the lane and it finished at a busy main road. Odd. Also, there was a definite absence of the cycle route signs I’d been following.

Had a quick check on the GPS … I had somehow wandered about 3 miles off route. There must have been a sign I’d missed. (Sigh) I didn’t fancy retracing my steps back 3 miles, so I set off along the main road towards the next village and I could pick up the cycle route from there.

Ran up the main route hopping onto the bank whenever a car came. After what felt like a never ending hill – but with no floods! - I finally came into sight of the village. There were absolutely no Cycle Route signs to be seen, so using the GPS to stay on track I picked it up again and made it back onto the right path.

Thankfully, the last few miles passed without any further loo stops, falls, mud, floods or getting lost. I had been wondering when the wild dogs would attack or a tree would fall into the road blocking my path but luckily it looked as though I’d used up my bad luck for this run. Lucky really. I’d also used up my water, gels and loo roll.